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I talked about this a few years ago for one of my Online Dating columns, but in honor of Valentine's Day tomorrow, I thought we all could use a little refresher, friends. Look for Part II tomorrow... They say agood man is hard to find. So, then, naturally, by that logic, a great,wonderful, awesome man must be impossible to find. But have nofear: There’s an ever-fresh, free-flowing supply of not-so-good guys. The bad guys are like those products on late-night infomercials. They’re everywhere, look perfect from theoutside and promise to make your life easier, and then two weeks later, you lookat the pathetic thing and think, “Geez, talk about false advertising.” If onlythese sort of guys could wear some sort of sign like “As seen on TV” or come with a return policy. At least we’d have a fighting chance to escape theirclutches.
If we're being honest with ourselves, though, we should
never get involved with them in thefirst place. And so, to save you the hassle of not being able to return himwithout a receipt, I offer the best of the worst: The Top Ten Guys To Avoid(aka, Run, Run For Your Life). These are in no particular order -- it’s just allbad...
The PlayboyOh, the classic model, from which all other bad boys wereborn. This guy is slick. He’s a charmer. He knows all his stuff. He’s learnedall the rules of the game and has mastered it. He knows all the right things tosay, has an incredible knack for remembering important factoids about you, andyou just love his notion of ‘
staying in the moment.’
The FriendI’m not putting this guy on the list because he’s bad -- quite the contrary, actually. He’s one of the good ones, one of those rare gemsthat come around only once in a lifetime if you’re lucky. That, my friends, isthe reason you must work your hardest to keep your friendship strictly, well, afriendship. Being friends is a nice place to be -- like the calming poppy fieldfrom The Wizard of Oz. If you try taking that feeling to boyfriend status, I claim zero liability for theinjuries you’ll receive from stepping on that mine field.
Mr. ClingThis guy is worse than a Bounce fabric softener sheet.We women do love attentive men; what we don’t love is the oppressives. Askyourself these question: Is he needy? Is he always right behind you and wantsto go everywhere with you? Does he text/call/IM/send smoke signals to let youknow he’s having lunch and thinking of you? Did he say “I love you” on thethird date? It’s just too much, frankly. After all, you don’t want to gothrough a lifelong, swirling, passionate romance in three weeks. Don’t wearyourself out here. What if you end up being together for five years? That couldseem like an eternity if all the sparks have petered out already. There’ssomething to be said for taking it slow, and if Mr. Cling is stuck on the speedcycle, it’s time to get off the ride.
Mr. BlingSure, this guy’s flashy. He has high tastes and nice things:Armani suits, more than one shiny Cadillac, two summer homes in the
Hamptons and more man jewelrythan the BeeGees. But beyond that? There’s nothing. He’s all flash and pizazz,yet there’s no substance, no real meat on which to build a relationship. Bottomline: This guy is more about showing himself off than showing YOU off. Myadvice is to steal some of his bling and get out of that scene. Fast.
The LifeguardThis one is meant as more of a warning for the youngerladies out there. Fawning over the lifeguard is never a game you can win. Thisguy is easy on the eyes -- tall, handsome, overtly sexy and a toned body completewith ripped abs you could fry an egg on in the hot summer sun. But sadly,summer has to come to an end eventually, and more often than not, that’ll alsomark the end of your time with Lovely Lifeguard. Trust me, I’ve played moretimes than I care to admit publicly. When I was 16, I fell head over heels forthe lifeguard at the local pool. He was one of those blond-haired, tan-skintypes, but what really hooked my hormones was the fact that he moonlighted as amale model. Yup, that one didn’t go over too well with my father, even thoughmy entire relationship with Nudy Lifeguard consisted of me hiding behind theledge of the pool and spying on him in a futile attempt to make eye contactwhile the July sun formed sweet sweat beads down his chiseled face. On secondthought…no, this one is still a bad idea.
So, I'd love to know, friends: What 'types' would you add to the list? Which of these types have you encountered? Any advice you'd give? xoxo[Photos via Le Love]
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